The Ten Reasons Why I Hate Link
by Lupi Loop
Summary: After an argument with Midna, Zelda decides to come up with a list of reasons why she is NOT in love with Link. The problem is, everyone else thinks she is but who is right? Hmmm, I wonder... Rated T for occasional swears and sexual references. One-shot


Another crazy Long Shot. Hope you enjoy. If you do, please R&R.

And for anyone reading The Chameleon Stone, I promise to have the next chapter up very soon! (And if you haven't read it and like this, you should check it out – it's in a similar vein. Sorry for the shameless plug there)

I don't own LOZ or any of its characters, I just shamelessly use them :p

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The Ten Reasons why I hate Link...

The phone makes a lovely cracking noise as it slams into the wall opposite me. It half slides down the floral wallpaper before landing with a smack on the wooden floors. After a moment I hear the faint chimes of its busy tone. It survived then. Whoopdeedoo. I stare at it and the fastidious part of me urges myself to pick it up and place it back on its receiver.

I ignore that practical counsel for I am contemplating more a far more serious issue, that being 'what on earth possessed me to ring _her_?' What stupid, reckless, insane part of me thought it would be a good idea to call Midna, of all people, and ask for advice? Well, as soon as I find that offending part I will strangle it! Never again will I fall into the trap of pouring out my troubles of my deluded and irrational mind into her heartless ears.

How dare she suggest that I, Zelda Harkinian, am in love with Link, my stupid friend whom I have known since I was a child! It is absolutely ridiculous as well as impossible and…well anyway, she knows what I think now. She's officially number two in the 'people I hate most in the world list' sitting pretty just after Link and before Ganondorf. To think that I actually used to like her too! And how dare she actually giggle through my carefully worded and logically presented, completely honest(ish) denial.

I am never speaking to her again.

Well, at least I'll keep our conversation to a minimum. I can't _not _speak to her, I mean, I'll have to speak to her when I hand over this list that I am preparing for her. And I'll have to at least act polite when we meet in public, otherwise people will start to ask what's wrong and I'll have to explain why we're no longer friends and then she'll sprout some lie about what's really wrong and I'll end up looking stupid (like always). And we've still got to finalise plans for Anju's engagement party in fourteen days and…damn. Well, maybe we will still speak but she will know, oh yeah – she'll know for sure, what I really think of her and her pathetic, delusional slurs on my character. I will pay her back.

"Yeah whatever. Laters, Zel!" I hear her parting words ringing around my brain again and I long to destroy something. Fortunately for my phone, it is well out of reach and fortunately for Midna, she lives a good twenty minutes walk away otherwise there'd be murder. I don't do long walks at this time of day (or at any time of day for that matter). My eyes rest on the poor phone again and I sigh. I am beginning to feel sorry for the poor thing. But it did feel good flinging it across the room, as if somehow that would impact on Midna, sitting in her pretty boudoir so far away. Hopefully she could feel my rage!

A moment later I regret flinging the phone even more, not because I think it is broken, but because there was an inevitable knock on my bedroom door. I don't need to guess who could possibly be coming to check up on me at this time of day.

"What?" I know I sound like a world-class shrew right now, but I don't care.

"Is everything okay? I heard a crash…"

I tremble with anger at the sound of his voice. Through tightly gritted teeth I reply "I'm fine."

He considers this for a moment, and as he silently contemplates my words on the other side of the door, I realise that if he heard the relatively quiet thud the phone made as it impacted against a nice brick wall, then he surely will have heard what I screamed at Midna just before my lovely new phone had its first flying lesson. Crap.

"May I come in?" He asks quietly. I know it is a ruse so he can come and see whether I am crying yet. I normally get very teary when I am angry.

To quote Minda, "Whatever." I grump. Not only do I feel a suspicious tinglyness in the back of my eyes, but my cheeks are burning up. I do not want him to see me like this and get the wrong idea so I fling myself on my bed and face away from the door as he turns the handle.

I can feel him standing there, no doubt with a smug little smile gracing his thin lips, watching me. I try to use my pillow as a stress ball but it doesn't work.

"Do you want a drink?" He's still using that calm, soft tone, probably in the hopes that its soothing quality will vanquish my rage. Idiot. I notice I am trying to unpick the hem of my quilt cover during the ensuring silence and clench my fists. I wasn't trying to rip it, well not much anyway. Doesn't he realise how annoying I find him? "No, Link, I don't want a drink." I snap. Of course he doesn't take the hint and make like a tree. He's still standing there in the doorway staring at me. I know he's there. It's like a weird sixth sense I have – I always know when his eyes are on me.

I hear him moving into the room. He picks up my discarded phone and places it back on the receiver with a gentle click.

"I'm amazed that thing still works, the amount of times its been flung at the wall." He remarks. I know he is smiling now, I can hear it in his voice (which is still that stupid soft, kinda sexy way...no, I mean...) "Go away, Link." I mutter.

"Do you want me to get you anything?" He asks, as if he hasn't heard my instructions.

Damn him and his courteousness. Next time I meet his grandma I'm going to tell her what a stupid idea it was to raise him to be such a gentleman. In fact, that is the first thing that's going on my "Why I am most definitely not in love with Link so shut up your with your stupid assumptions, Midna" list – the same list I haven't started yet. Oops. Oh well, might as well get started on it right away – no time like the present and all that. Also it gives me a chance to make use of the stupid Link whilst he's here. Can't be bothered to get off my bed anyway. It's kinda comfy. "Would you pass my notebook?" I order.

"Why'd ya want this?"

"None of your..." I stop myself before I am too unpleasant to him. I have already been pretty impolite to him today. No, it is better to treat an ignoramus like him with disdain, not rudeness. "I need to write a list." I announce.

I hear Link cheekily flicking through the pages of my notebook and long to turn around so I can give him a good glaring at, unfortunately, I am certain my cheeks are now bright red. I've got a horrible feeling that particular notebook contains a list of my favourite ...crud. "Link, pass it over, please." I mumble.

"Here, Princess." I feel the soft thud of the paper as it lands on the bed behind me. It's followed by the pen. Link is loitering in the doorway again. "You know..." I know by his voice that he has seen _that_ list. Crap. He is smirking again. I just know it. "I never you were into that, Zelda. If you ever want someone to practice with, you know whose door to knock!"

"GO AWAY" I shout.

"What and leave you to your dreams of number sixty-nine, eh? You're so dirty!" He chuckles and I throw my pillow at him. But he has gone. Stupid jerk. Oh well, guess that's another item to add to my list of things I hate about him. So far I've got the following:

Item 1 – I Hate how He acts like he's a fairytale knight

_Link needs to live in the real world for a change and realise that kittens can get down from trees on their own (its their own stupid fault if they get stuck – they got up there, they can get down again!) and that old ladies don't need his help to carry their shopping home. They should realise before going on their mad spending sprees how much they can physically carry. They don't need his brawn to carry their bags, nor do they want his escort home. They like carrying their own bags and the cookies and warm milk they offer as a reward is just some kind of sinister reward and is probably poisoned. Old ladies can be just as dirty as young women! _

_Talking of which, young women are capable of opening doors and standing if there are no seats available on the bus. I'll bet people just think he's weird and/or sexist if he gives women preferential treatment. And I did not need a big bunch of red roses and a card from a 'mystery admirer' delivered to me on Valentines day just because I had been dumped by Shad the week before. I did not need cheering up. I am a grown woman now, not a little girl. I do not want or need him to take care of me, even if I am a tiny, weeny bit scatterbrained on the rare occasion. Basically, he is too nice._

Well, that on its own should be enough to convince Midna that I don't love him and that's only one reason out of thousands. I think she told me to limit myself to ten items on this list though. Okay. I can do that, I guess. I'd better just re-read what I have put under reason one...in fact, I'd better not. I've never once said that Link is not a sweetheart and if I was anyone else, I would go all gooey over his noble streak, but I am me and I am not trying to convince myself to love him in that way. I don't want to get all sentimental over him, although that valentines day thing was really...well...it was pretty...nice...oh blow it! It was the sweetest, most romantic, amazing and cutest present ever and I will never, ever forget it for as long as I live. But I'm getting carried away. This list is not supposed to be based on emotion but reason. It is a subjective study on why we are so incompatible and I must approach it in a like minded manner.

Item Two – I Hate that He's a Smug Bastard

_Do I need to say more?_

I stare at number two as my mind argues with itself. To elaborate on this point would, no doubt, provide Midna with plenty of entertainment at my expense and would mean I'd have to disclose a couple of instances, not exactly to my credit, where the above theory was proved beyond doubt. However, if I leave it, she'll not know what I mean. The therapeutic tapping of the barrel of the pen against my cheek (which is incidentally rather soothing) seems to be telling me something. "Write. Write. Write. Write. Write."

Okay, I got the memo! Goddess, even my inner monologue is on a mission to annoy me today!

"_I will elaborate later."_ I jot these four words down under item two and continue.

Item Three – I Hate that there's a very, and I am talking Microscopically Minuscule, connection between us

_It is not unusual for two people, like us, who have practically grown up together to know each other so well. I mean, we clearly get on well, otherwise how would we cope sharing a house like we often do. And no, Midna, before your invariably filthy mind starts conjuring up all sorts of goings on between us during our Shared House time, I'll have you know that nothing like that has ever happened between us (you dirty cow). Apart from maybe once, or twice but that means NOTHING!! and yes, he was very, very good._

I scribble the entirety of the last sentence out and desperately hope that my friend will not be able to decipher the words. If she knew that Link and I had...well, she'd never let me live it down. And great, now I can't stop thinking about that night (fine, I'll admit it's happened more than once – but we were drunk, okay!). Just great. Now I'll have to get myself a cup of strong coffee to calm my nerves. Deep breaths, Zelda!

My eyes wander to a picture on my dresser of Link and I when we were little. It's one of the few pictures I have of me that I really love. We must have been about three at the time and on our way to a party. Our parents are standing in the background, laughing. I can still remember that blue princess dress I was wearing, I still have it in a cupboard somewhere and Link is wearing the cutest green tunic ever. I suppose some people would think our relationship is something more than it is – I mean, we are very close. His parents were killed in a car accident when he was seven and he and his little sister, Aryll (who was barely six months old at the time), went to live with his grandma.

It must have been really hard for Nana Zoop (as she's affectionately known) to cope with Aryll being so young and the top and tail of it was because our parents had always got so well, Link came to live with us. He'd go back to his Nana's at the weekend and stay with us during the week. I guess because we were the same age, went to the same school, lived in the same house ninety percent of the time and shared the same interests it was inevitable that we would become joined at the hip, so to speak. But nobody ever thought anything of it until we were teenagers and then everyone suddenly imagined that we were having a sordid kind of teenage affair (which wasn't exactly true) and decided we should be separated. We still saw each other all the time and hung out and so on, we just didn't live in the same house any more. Then we went to university and I guess we just slipped back into old habits and decided to share a flat again. It just made sense – we get on so well and have the same standards of living (he's one of the few guys I know that has a tidiness OCD and shares cooking duties) and we've lived together since.

I can't say its not been awkward at times – you know with bringing home people to party, if you know what I mean, but we understand each other so perfectly that we soon resolve any problems that arise.

_But that doesn't mean that there's anything between us!_ I continue writing, _We are just great friends and I hate that everybody (yes You, Midna), believes that I must be madly in love with him as a result. I am not. And somebody, who will remain nameless (but again – yes, you Midna) told Link I am in love with him, he's taken to smirking constantly. Thus he has become smug. See Item Two._

Well that's three points down and only seven to itemise. Not back going for an hours work, eh? I just need a nice cup of coffee to recharge my batteries and I'll get on with the next section. Where's Link when I need him? I suppose if I am honest, which I am...sometimes, there is one thing about him I really do like – he knows when I need something, be it a coffee, a hug or even a present. Basically, he knows me pretty well and I like that. Hmmm, or do I? Certain images have the audacity to pop into my mind as I think, reminding me of occasions where Link has used this particular knowledge to his advantage. I can feel reason four coming on.

There's a knock on the door and without waiting for an answer, Link pushes it open and brings in a mug of black coffee and two chocolate cookies. Mmmm, cookies dipped in yummy coffee...I could kiss him (if I were not in the middle of writing a list of why I hate him right now and if he did not smirk at me in such a way). I shout my thanks as he closes the door. Perhaps using such a flirty tone and calling him the 'Smexiest man EVER' wasn't the best of ideas for he pops his head around the door, grins at me and replies, "Love you too, babe!" and vanishes. Now his ego will be all inflated again and why am I experiencing a heart attack?

I swear this is Midna's doing! If she's put a hex on me again or told Link to add something to my coffee I'll...well, let's just say that she'll never do it again. Well at least my heart palpitations are quieting now but why am I staring at the door with a, no doubt, aimless smile adorning my face. A quick glance at my mirror confirms my worst fears – I look like such an idiot right now. Oh well, it's nothing that a swig of coffee and a second cookie can't help.

So where was I? Oh, right – Item Four – He Knows Me Too Well

_You'll be the first to admit, Midna, that women were created to be a divine enigma – a mystery to all men. Said men are not supposed to know the rules and/or understand the games we play with them. Link knows me so well that he sometimes even finishes my sentences for me. Where's the mystery in that, huh? If he understands the way I think and the reasons why I do what I do, how can I tease him and baffle him the way a woman should? How can I drive him to distraction with my confusing...ness, uh, that's not a word but you know what I mean!_

_If I was interested in him that way (which I'm not) I'd be royally screwed. And, before you think it – yes, I know if I was interested in him that way Link __would__ be Royally Screwed (literally)._

Did I mention I have Royal Blood. Cool, eh?! Shame Hyrule's no longer a Sovereign State.

_Anyway, it's not like Link puts this 'understanding' he has to good use. In fact, more often than not he uses it to get an unfair advantage over me. He'll do something I hate and then will charm his way out of any retribution. And he knows how to...er...act...if he is is need of any...female companionship Especially if I've been drinking. [_Note to self: Why does he have to give me that look? WHY?]_ And no, Midna, that doesn't mean that I launch myself at him after a glass of wine. I was very drunk at our New Years party and Link happened to ask me for a New Years Kiss. Perfectly reasonable request at such an occasion. I don't remember very much of that night (as you recall – I was Drunk!) but I certainly would never molest any man, especially Link, in the wanton manner you imagine you saw. And I was most astonished to wake up in his room the next morning._

_Anyway, it was his fault._ I write, trying not to think New Years Night just gone. That was one heck of a party! _And is just an illustration to show how bad Link is! If any other guy used me like that I'd put those nut crackers you bought as a joke to some good use, but because it was Link and he was all 'I'm sorry Zelda, here's a gorgeous bracelet to make up for it. I was really drunk but you were too hot to resist' I couldn't stay angry with him for even ten minutes. I hate how he can do that! I hate him._

Item Five – I Hate how He leaves the toilet seat up deliberately because he knows it irritates me

_Seriously, I've seen him do it!_

Item Six – I Hate How Everybody expects us to be a couple

_I hate people assuming that we are together just because we are such close friends. Little old ladies come up to us in the shop, looking for a ring on my finger and sigh over us. Its so humiliating to stand there are shatter their delusions about romance and love with a 'Actually we're just good friends' line. Then they think we're just another pair of dirty young people, living in sin! Nobody believes that a girl and boy can be just friends._

Item Seven – I Hate How He smells.

_So Good_. I write that in such small letters I hope Midna will never be able to decipher it. OMG, he has got the most gorgeous man-smell ever. I can't stand it – it's way too sexy for his own good – all fresh air and clean laundry and that aftershave he always wears. I swear if a smell could seduce you, it would be his. Er, anyway, I'd better not write that down – don't want to fan the flames of Midna's rabid imaginings. Perhaps later I will start on a list of things about Link that I find most attractive. On second thoughts, I really shouldn't go down that road. It's dangerous.

I promise I've only ever stolen one of his shirts out of the laundry and it was a desperate measure. It was my first time alone in the flat (he'd gone to visit his Nana) and I was frightened. He'd taken his pillow and that was the only thing of his I could find to cuddle. I did mean to put it back in his room but kind of forgot. It's in a secret hiding place under my bed right now. I swear I only get it out and sniff it on scary windy nights when he's not here or when I miss him. Wow, now I sound like a stalker.

"Hey, Zelda. Are you coming or what?"

Has he been shouting me? Whoops. Just how long have I been locked in here anyways? What day is it again, oh right, Friday – I.e. Movie Night! And it's my turn to cook. No wonder he sounds so grumpy, he's probably starving. Poor Link. He has a bottomless pit for a stomach, yet he remains so deliciously toned. There's another item for the 'sexy things about Link list'. Oh right, I'm not going to write that one. Damn, that would have been fun. I throw my pad and pen on the bed, the 'why I hate Link' will just have to wait.

"Gods, Zel, what've ya been doing all this time?" He asks as I storm into our shared kitchen. Bless him, he really must be starved, he's got the pans I need out all ready to go and is chopping an onion. He's taking things very seriously tonight with his cute green bandanna hiding his hair and a apron on. As I approach, he turns around and grins at me and then something terrible happens.

I have another heart attack. Okay, so what the hell just happened, and why do I feel like I have just eaten a dozen butterflies. And since when has Link in his cooking gear been so...mesmerising.

Somehow I manage to pull through the nightmare. I recover my composure without Link noticing it had gone in the first place and together we manage to cook up a reasonable dinner of roast cucco with all the trimmings. Yummy. The only problem is is that I can't seem to take my eyes off Link. I don't know what he's done, or if its something he's wearing or what but I can't stop staring at him. At least he seems to be having the same problem. Glad it's not just me. And when we wash up the plates afterwards our hands keep touching and it's like I'm getting electrocuted every time. Something is definitely up. I'll bet any money that it's one of Midna's tricks. I am going to kill her.

Okay, so I've survived the dinner and the mesmerising and the electrocutions and the incessant fluttering in my stomach. Maybe I have food poisoning. But then again, I did the cooking, so it's not likely. Link is choosing a film for us to watch and yet again I feel like my eyes are glued to him. WHY? Why is this happening? Of all the days when I'm supposed to be writing a list of why I don't fancy him...ah, it's a list of why I hate him, that's okay then. I can fancy him, just can't be in love with him.

To be fair, with his scruffy gold hair, big blue eyes and almost pretty face, most women (and some men) would find him attractive, and his body is to die for. I think a little lust is allowed. Just wish it was my choice of film tonight because then I could smack a chick flick on and would have a legitimate reason for cuddling up to him.

"This okay?" Damn, now I've got to concentrate on what he's saying not what he's doing. Hey wait, why has he chosen my favourite film? He doesn't like that kind of mushy crap...bet there's an ulterior motive. Oh well, I'm not going to complain. On goes the movie...

Okay. Midna is never, ever, EVER going to hear about this. I swear Movie Night is officially over from now on. Where's that damned list? I've got Item Eight to right as a matter of urgency. I didn't even have a glass of wine that time but I'm pretty sure I wasn't the one that made the problem. In fact, I'm sure Link was the one kissed me first. Yes, that must be it. And it had nothing to do with the fact that about ten minutes into the movie, I started to lean on him, about ten minutes after that we were snuggled up all comfortable and about two minutes after that, I turned over to ask him something and he molested me. So maybe I should have protested, but I was so surprised I couldn't do anything but be all shocked (for about half a second). He's such a good kisser...

It's a good job I know the movie by heart, else I'd have to watch it again (alone) just to see the ending. I sure as hell wouldn't be able to tell you otherwise.

"Do you want coffee?" He asks, grinning sleepily at me.

Damn him. Damn him. Damn him. Stupid Sexy Link wearing nothing but his stupid sexy towel, putting disgusting thoughts into my depraved mind. Go away bad thoughts. And why, oh why, am I still wearing one of his teeshirts. Oh heck, it smells so good...

I am in serious trouble! "Uh, coffee would be good." Yes, coffee. Coffee will make me all better again. Thank the goddess it's Saturday today and I don't have to ring in sick at work. Stupid mesmerising Link. He just has to hand me the mug and go away but does he? No. He hands me the mug, wraps an arm around me and gives me a kiss for good measure. This is not good. Why has my stupid body still not got over its fascination with him? Even when I try to prise my eyes away from the vision that is him I can't. And why has it suddenly decided that the only way it can keep itself warm is to wrap itself around him? And why is he giving me _that_ look again...

Poo.

Never mind Minda, my father can never, ever, ever know about this either. I'm certain that at any minute he'll be banging on the front door, demanding to know why I've missed all his calls and what could have been so important that I missed a date with him. I can't really tell him the real reason, can I? There's Item Nine on the list. I already know what Item Ten is. I just don't know how I'm going to phrase the following faults I have found with Link:

Item Eight – I Hate How He's too Sexy for his own good and I fancy the pants off him

Item Nine – I HATE HOW He makes me miss important dates with my family and friends for no better reason than spending time with him. Usually in a very sordid (and amazing) manner in his room and/or other areas of the house

Somehow I think if Midna sees those two items she's not going to believe that I am not in love with Link. I still maintain that I am not. I'm just attracted to him. A lot. Especially right now when he's smiling at me in that all loved up way he has, his blue eyes are sparkling with amusement and he's not really wearing many clothes.

"You know I love you, right?" He announces, suddenly.

Er, what?

He chuckles and leans his head against my shoulders. "I love you, Zelda Harkinian." He repeats, with just enough sincerity in his voice to make me believe that he is being truthful.

H-he loves me? Oh dear, the butterflies have returned and this time they're having a party. And why do I have the biggest, stupidest most ridiculous grin on my face? And why am I hugging him? Why am I doing all this when I am supposed to hate him?

Midna asks me the very same thing the next time she sees us (together). She demands to know why we are walking down the street holding hands when we are just good friends. And then, being Midna, she just has to ask about the list. Link hasn't heard about the list yet.

I watch her reading it, I know exactly what she's thinking as she reads it. Sketicism is writ all over her. She hands it to Link I wasn't really expecting that but can't really snatch it back, can I?

"Ten reasons why I absolutely hate Link and will never, ever, ever in a kazillion years be in love with him. By Zelda Harkinian." He reads, he sounds a little hurt. Oops. I glare at Midna but she just grins back at me. She always was an evil conniving little...

Link has turned the page and his cheeks turn pink. Perhaps he's reading exactly what I wrote for Items Eight and Nine. I did add a little bit of detail and a touch of for Midna's benefit, just in case she thought I'd gone mad. Judging by his expression, maybe I went a little overboard. He's embarrassed but I can tell he's secretly pleased. When he's finished he just glances at me and smirks. There's definite proof for Item Two.

"Satisfied, Midna?"

"Not as much as you, it would seem." She grins, and takes back the list. "I knew I was right."

"Shut up."

"All that shouting 'I'm not in love with him!' and throwing your phone away was just a front to cover the truth! Hah, I'm such a genius, I knew there was something going on!"

"There's nothing going on!" I protest. I do wish my cheeks would hurry up and return to their natural pale colour. Bright red does not suit me. "Just because we've...you know..."

"You've done it a lot and I don't want to know." Laughs Midna. She folds up my list and puts it in a pocket before assuring me: "This is so being scanned and posted on my blog. Aw, Zelda loves Link. That's sickeningly cute."

"Midna, don't! My dad might see it..."

"Yeah, and Aryll definitely will!" Adds Link, for the first time sounding a little worried. "And she'll show Nana Zoop. And then there'll be hell to pay..."

"Gods, you two are so paranoid! I'll bet they've thought you've been at each other for years! Everyone else thought it. Are you scared they'll make ya get married?"

"It's not that. I mean I want to marry..." Link stops himself and goes bright red. "Gotta go." He mutters and attempts escape. Midna is giggling. That is never a good sign. It means she's up to mischief. When I get home I am starting on that 'Ways in which to Kill Midna' list. On that note, I think it's time we escape before some evil plot takes root in her mind. If she wasn't my best friend, I'd probably take out a hit on her or something.

Still we part amicably. It'd never do for people to think that I loathed her, now would it? They'd start asking awkward questions and she'd give 'em lies for answers. Cow. She hugs me and whispers 'I'm so jealous – keep me posted' in my ear and then tells Link she's going to keep my beautiful descriptive account of our love life in her porn draw. Heck and she said I gave her way too much information. She's sick.

Item Ten – I hate that I mean love.

_Fine, I'll admit it. I really mean Love when I wrote Hate but I was annoyed that it was so obvious to you! Apart from when I refer to you, Midna. I hate that you were right, yet again. And no, I don't owe you my new dress. I don't remember shaking on that deal. You didn't prove that I was in love with him. I proved that to myself, thanks to my amazing listaholic skills._

_But let's be honest here. I think we both knew it all along. Of course I love Link._

_And no, you can't be a bridesmaid._


End file.
